The one with the missus's anger

Greetings from the Iyer household. The new year has arrived and brought with it, among all happiness, well-being and joie-de-vivre, a new aspect to ze missus' demeanour, something which was not very apparent till today. It might as well be a new year resolution that the missus might have made which I am not aware of. Not that I am much aware otherwise. It all started with the most innocuous intent of ordering pizza for lunch today. As is the usual practice, the menu selection and ordering is under ze missus' domain. She does that rather well. She has a keen eye for such things. And thus, we went through the menu and finalized the 3 items (including the cheese dip) that we wanted to order. And that's when it happened - something that has not been witnessed in history.

Below is the transcript of the tele-conversation that happened as part of the ordering process.

Attempt 1:

Ze Missus dialled the number. Some network connectivity

Attempt 2:

Directly connected to the customer ordering center. 

ZM (Ze Missus): "Hello, I am Ze Missus. I want to order.. place an order .. "

PP (Pizza Place): "Hello !"

ZM (Ze Missus): "Hello, I want to place an order for a pi.. "

Attempt 3:

The number went to an IVR. Ze Missus disconnected. I thought I could see some lines starting to show up on the brow. I might have been mistaken as well. But, that was attempt 3. And I then offered my phone to continue to ordering process.

Attempt 4:

Directly connected to the customer ordering center.

ZM: "Hello ! I want to place an order for Pizza for mylocation"

PP: "Hello"

ZM: "Hello, yes, I want to place my order"

PP: "Hello ! Hello !!"

A couple of words of exasperation were let out and the next attempt was made. I could see the lines a bit more now.

Attempt 5:

This went to the IVR and we pressed 1 to continue. The rep came online.

ZM: "Yes, I want to place an order"

PP: "May I ask where are you calling from?"

ZM: "Mylocation, Mycity"

PP: "May I have your number and name"

ZM: "The number is xxxx and the name is Ze Missus"

PP: "Please place your order"

ZM: "I would like to have one Peppy Paneer - large. How many pieces will be there in the large pizza"

PP: "Hello. One large pizza? Could you please repeat?"

ZM: "I said, One large pizza. How many pieces in the large one ?"

PP: "Sorry, can you please repeat?"

At this point, I thought I heard something break. Probably just my imagination it was. But the missus had assumed a different avatar altogether now. The usual calm, cute, sweet, all-pleasing tone of her voice had changed to something more wicked. (Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration there. She is not capable of that. But there was a hint of anger showing up now).

ZM :"This is my fourth attempt to place the order. Are you not able to hear. Can you please check your connection. . Please check you network connection."

The wind had stopped blowing. The leaves on the trees were not swaying anymore. The birds stopped chirping. The solitary dog in the complex was standing still and not barking likely he always does. It all seemed like to be in response to something very much agitated in the nature and in anticipation of something much worse - a deadly storm - to descend upon them. I am sure the Pizza Place felt some heat too.

PP: "I will give you a call back soon."

And then they called back, took the order and promised a delivery in under 30 mins. The storm kind of subsided. Nature took a breath. The wind started blowing again, mildly so at first and then picked up a gentle pace. The leaves started swaying happily once again. The birds resumed their chirping. The dog though was still silent. He, I guess, was the most impacted.

Ze Missus was now back to her normal calm, cute, sweet, all-pleasing self. I have now seen an avatar which I need to be careful against invoking. Apparently some folks in the society had visions of Kali Maa around the same time this episode happened. I don't think that's a coincidence. Last heard around 6 hours after this incident, the dog was slightly regaining his composure. 

Here's wishing me some luck to not invoke this avatar in this new year. Happy New Year !!

The One with my bad clothes

It is not the universe's best kept secrets that I am not the best when it comes to clothes and dressing. In fact, I think all in my friends' circle will agree unanimously how it would do the world a whole lot good if I just put a little bit of effort in dressing up just a bit. So it is that these days I try to wear something that can at least pass off as nearly decent because I don't wish to embarrass my august companion. All the same I still love my "other" clothes and take them out for a walk every now and then. And that's why when I put on one of my those "other" tshirt this morning all hell broke loose. I mean it was okay till I was just wearing it. But upon just beginning to mention that I am going out and be back in some time, it happened. In fact, even before I could have said Robinson Crusoe, she struck.

Ze Missus : "Aise ja rahe ho ???" (You are going out just like this ???)

Now you'd ask, what's the big deal about this seemingly harmless innocent looking concerned question. Well, let me inform you, dear reader, Ze Missus is one who indulges in a lot of non-verbal communication. That's her style most of the times, and that was her style right now. In fact, I have my doubts that it was less of a question and more of a caustic remark. And I wasn't a minute late in picking that up. That one question seemed to be asking so many different things. And I can just mention a few here on what she could've really meant to convey.

Ze Missus : "What the hell, you got that rag out again?"

Ze Missus : "What the hell, you got that rag out again? And you also intend going out exhibiting it? I don't know about you, but I have some respect around here."

Ze Missus : "Don't you even dare to go out wearing that junk, or be prepared to face the consequences"

Ze Missus :  "You know, even the milkman, kachrawala and the dhobi dress better than these. Please donate this rag. No, that would be an insult to them. Please incinerate this at the earliest".

There were several more that her eyes and gestures seemed to ask, but I restrain myself from mentioning them here. As daredevil as I may be, I can only take so much risk at a time. And I have exhausted my quota of the day (and the next few as well I suppose). 

How, you ask ? 

Oh, I still went out wearing that "other" t-shirt. How did I manage to convince the Missus ? Well, that's another story for a rainy day.

The One with iTunes and iPod and Android

It so happened that I overheard this small piece of conversation. Names have been changed to protect the identities

Seema : Heyy.. Can you please check. I downloaded an app on the tablet but wo install nahi ho raha hai (I downloaded an app on the tablet, but it's not installing)

Pankaj : Hmm... try once again na ... Ho jayega

Seema : No yaar ... It's not installing, it's saying unable to open the file. Tried 2-3 times already

Pankaj : Okay ... Did you download it from the App store ?

Seema : No .. I downloaded it from the internet. It's available to be downloaded freely.

Pankaj : Which app did you download ?

Seema : Itunes ... I can then connect the ipod with the tablet and transfer the songs.

Pankaj : You .. what ?!

Seema : Haan ... iPod ke liye you need iTunes to transfer the songs, you didn't know kya

Pankaj : But did you intend to transfer the songs directly from the tablet to your iPod ?

Seema : Yes.

Pankaj : Using iTunes on the tablet ?

Seema : Yes baba.

Pankaj : Hmm ... And you downloaded 90.99 MB of iTunes. Wow. Nice. So ... how do you plan to connect the iPod to the tablet ?

Seema : Hain na .. I have the cable to transfer.

Pankaj : Oh Nice. And how will it 'connect' ?

Seema : It has the connector na. Ek min ... let me show.... Ohh .. this is a small connector socket.. the wire has a bada wala input... Ohh this won't connect ... hahahahahaha

Pankaj : ........ Are you sure ? Don't want to give it a try ?

Seema :  (still laughing)

Well that ends the conversation that I overheard. Nothing funny about it. People try to connect iPod to their Androids using iTunes. All the time. I still don't see why Seema had to keep laughing about it.

The Missus 101

As I stand at the cusp of an epoch making event, one that will be written in Golden letters in the books of history and be praised by scholars and historians all over the world, it is but necessary that I make a few observations about the subject of this epoch making event.

For the uninitiated lesser mortals like me, tomorrow I technically complete 3 months of remaining married. I am honestly surprised to see that I am still functional with all parts answering and performing their role as intended. Which means that the missus is being extremely adjusting and understanding and all other nice adjectives one can fish up in the latest version of the Oxford dictionary. Which essentially brings me to the topic of discussion here today. My dear reader, today we will be seeing some of the key personality traits which define the missus. Actually, coming to think of it, there might be so many that I could very well start a "Missus" Series here. But that's for a later day. I'll just start with a 101 here.

Missus the Gyaani

The missus loves to give gyaan. Not that she is aware of the fact usually. She is ... how do I put it ... sermonic ? The Sadhus at Kailash parbat would willingly offer her a seat for all her profound gyaans. The other day, I just casually asked her about a certain person she knows as to whether he should, in her opinion, go for an MS and PhD or rather pursue some job here. It would be an understatement to say that the next 30 mins were spent with her on a metaphorical pedestal, giving some ideal state gyaan. I wonder how come Philosophy was not a major study subject. But on second thoughts, I suppose she already knows a lot of Philo so it probably didn't make much academic sense to again pursue it. To top it all, I still don't have her opinion on that topic. But I know better than to ask for it again.

Missus the dancer

This is no hidden fact that the Missus is a very nice dancer. Across all forms - classical as well as non-classical (I hope the other form is indeed called non-classical. I am not the best person to write on dance, as my friends and well wishers would tell about me). That's awesome if you ask me. I am often witness to small, nice pieces of dances at home. That's not to say that the missus gives miniature performances at home. No sir, I didn't mean that. What I meant is, that the dance has been so deeply ingrained that it has become the natural reality (Kind of like Inception, where dream becomes the reality. Too much, I am going to be a scriptwriter now). She walks and it feels like a dance rhythm from some song. She gestures while talking and moves her hands, fingers and eyes like you would do at a Bharat Natyam recital. Well, between you and me, dear reader, truth be told I kind of stop listening at times when she does these kind of dances. It serves dual purpose - gives a visual delight while saving my auditory senses from the gyaan. But she knows that I am slow on the uptake and mostly repeats so that I understand (or till she feels I have understood).

Missus the super-listener

The word listener doesn't do justice to what the missus really does. It is like a super power she has. She just kind of attracts people towards her (No Asaram jokes please), and makes them want to pour out their hearts and lungs and kidneys to her. I simply don't know how she manages to do this. Take this case of my immediate neighbours. There are two ladies who have been staying together for the past 15 odd years. Within the first month the elder mallu lady had become a fan-girl of the missus and started sharing her most innermost secrets that probably the devil only would know. More recently, the other gujju lady has also followed suit. Given my position of advantage, I get privy to the information and I can tell you that they share some really personal stuff. Now, I don't mean to say that the super power is limited to only elder folks. It is on people across all age groups, gender, caste, race, species etc. What is it that you ask, dear reader? My Super power ? Aww..That's so nice of you to believe that I might have one. You will live for two more years for this question. My super power if I were to have any would definitely be - As Sheldon Cooper tells Leonard in The Big Bang Theory - "Brainwashing" given that I convinced the Missus to marry me.

More of the Missus' amazing personality traits to come up later. And till then you guys have a jolly good time. While I try and gather some goodwill with the missus for the 3 month thing.

Of ITIL methodologies and their relevance with Weddings

And thus we enter the week of the wedding. Whole bunch of friends and relatives (okay not whole but quite a few … okay 3 friends) have been calling up and asking me how are the preparations for the wedding, any help required, when from are my holidays, etc etc. They all seem super excited about this upcoming event. I’m still catching up on this excitement fever. I am a firm believer of the phrase “Peaking at the right time”. And the right time is still 3 days away. 2 if you count starting from the Reception Day.

I’d have also liked to mention that the home is abuzz with a lot of activity and lot of guests, except that it isn’t. I have been home these last 4 days (including the weekend days) and it just seems like any normal day at home for me. There aren’t any furrowed brow lines showing. Nor does any vein show signs of popping. There is an unexpected (for me at least) sense of calm and serene here. It could be for only 2 reasons as I understand it:

•      We have missed out on something very important which is going to hit us like the storm after the calm      
•      The execution of this “Project” has been extremely well so far and hence the calm

For the benefit of my nerves, I’m assuming it is the latter. Thinking of which it really feels like the whole process of conducting a marriage is no different than doing a project. A project can be defined as a sequence of activities that are done between a start time and an end time, with a certain end-goal in mind, and which would require the employment of certain resources (human and otherwise). A project typically ends in setting up an “Ongoing Service” which needs routine maintenance by the stakeholders involved.

Wedding has a set date. You start the preparations from a certain date. The end-goal of course is the wedding. Resources – yes there are lot of resources involved in this project. We have a Project Manager, a Budget Owner, a few “Consults” who are like the Subject Matter Experts and give their opinions, and then some who need to be “Informed” of the updates as and when key milestones are met. A lot of companies which follow the ITIL methodologies adopt the RACI model to identify the key stakeholders

R – Responsible (Responsible for the Project Execution)

A – Accountable (Accountable for funding the Project. Owns the Budgets)

C – Consulted (Subject Matter Experts)

I – Informed (Receives information)

In my case my mother becomes the “R” for most of the activities, occasionally taken over by my dad and at times supported by me as well. “A” is held by my dad mostly, except for the shopping activities, whereupon yours truly takes over. “C” is mostly the “Vadhyaars” (Pandits) who will be performing the ceremony and some other miscellaneous elderly relatives who otherwise don’t count for much, but need to be consulted just to keep their heads on their shoulders. “I” is, well mostly I myself. For some activities, the Project Team from the “other” side needs to be on the “I” list.

Every Project has a “Go-Live” date. The cutover happens and an ongoing service is established. It is usually followed by a 3-4 week Hypercare period wherein the Project Managers help stabilize the “Service”. The teething troubles and related issues are resolved by their intervention. Once the service stabilizes (or the hyper care period ends, whichever is earlier), the Service goes into an “Operations” mode. At this point, the “Service Management” takes over.

This can also be observed to be true in the case of Weddings. The “Cutover” happens on the “Wedding Day”, and is followed by the settling down (hypercare) period when the folks from both side help in settling the house. Hopefully, there aren’t many “incidents” in this period, and the wedded couple moves into the “Operations” mode. 

Operations is fun, isn’t it? It is. IT IS !

Screwing Up 101

I might not be the most affable personality to have walked the surface of this earth. I have a certain streak which seems to consistently piss off people intentionally or unintentionally both. The consequence of this aforementioned streak being the radially outward movement of people when I am the epicenter of a focused intellectual or non-intellectual (mostly the latter) conversation. I have been trying to work this piece of charm on the to-be missus also, but without much luck. That is, until the last Tuesday and this Tuesday.

Tuesday 21^st March

The missus and I were holding a stable, mature conversation over the cell phone and everything was going fine. Just a word of introduction would be in order here. The missus is the most affable personality to have walked the surface of this earth (and probably some other surfaces also – I am quite sure she doesn’t belong to this world. You know, I’ve told this to her many times and though she doesn’t agree, she doesn’t quite disagree as well – thus making me believe in this theory of mine. But, I digress). And that’s when the streak decided to play up. The neurons conjured up an innocuous looking question and sent the signal to trap called mouth

Me: What’s your age ?

She: N (haha, I’m not going to disclose)

Me: What’s N-6 ?

She:

She:

Me: 

The next 1 hour was devoted to the environment and nature. Lots of plants in the garden where she was sitting and conversing with me were adequately hydrated (though a bit salinated I suppose). The water table levels also showed up a drastic increase. I am hoping there would be lesser water shortage now. Unconfirmed sources said that the water department constituted an enquiry into the sudden surge of water table levels and also to determine whether this model could be replicateable across other parts of the state where there’s a drought. At this point, I realize that I have been rambling and need to get back to the tale now.

After the said 1 hour, the temperatures kind of came down to the normal and day to day operations were resumed.

Man – whoever knew a simple mathematical question could raise a storm.

Tuesday 28^st March

The missus has a very lovely voice. She’s a listener’s delight. Truth be told most of the times I am just listening to the sound of her voice and not to what she is speaking. And I think she already knows that so I am not in much of a danger there. The said voice is also highly spoken of and acknowledged in her family circles and is an equal delight to one and all. She also has this innate ability to imitate certain furry animals at times – unintentionally though. I think.

That’s why when the conversation began with a distinctive bark, instead of the usual mellifluous song, I was a bit taken aback. I guess that should have been my cue to understand that today was going to be different. I keep doing things that might not be strictly seen as sane, and I attribute these things as part of my said personality. The missus had a bone to pick with me regarding something silly I had done on the weekend.

She: I want to scold you for that weekend thing

Me: Haan.. to chalu karo

She: 

Me: 

For some reason, my next seat neighbor in the bus had started sweating. I looked at him.

Him: Too warm today.

Me: Tell me about it !

She: 

Finally, she was gracious enough to forgive me and move on to the next topic. Calm was restored. Sweating had stopped everywhere. But not for long. I don’t recall how I managed to do it again – the streak did it – but the passionfire was rekindled.

She:   (Really, I think I missed some of her argument points listening to her voice.)

Me:  blah blah (I am sure she would have wanted to miss my braying as well, for an altogether different reason though, but totally agreeable).

All I remember are melody … melody … blah blah … bankrupt … cot … bed … melody ... more melody … middle class … blah blah ... melody ... more melody. I can’t seem to coherently remember much. I had got down from the bus by then. Just in time I guess as the bus seemed to be overheating and the driver was not able to figure out the reason. There were also news reports that some glaciers in the Arctic region had melted down and the sea-water levels were increasing. Not to forget, the garden was again at the receiving end of a lot of mineralized hydration. People might mistake some blooming flowers as a result of Spring, but we know better.

Last heard – the polar ice caps were still in the state of melting and were not showing any signs of holding up. Anyways, after a 2/2 hit ratio of Tuesdays, thinking of starting a crash course on Screwing up 101. Takers anybody ?

A Lost Evening

The phone glowed and then vibrated. Well, they both should have happened simultaneously, but the phone's a bit slow now - with what it being almost 1/5th my age. So no qualms there. I digress even before I start. Well.. coming back. The phone showed 1 new message. There. That smile automatically came up on my lips. I picked up my cell. Unlocked and clicked view. Now it takes about 4-5 seconds for the sms to open up - remember how I told a while ago the phone was slow, yes? - and I was just anxious, with the smile on my face.

Anticlimax. Buy NA Plot near Karjat. Contact Mr. Anil. So, Mr. Anil - your account has been credited with a lot of curses from me. And to balance, I've taken away a good share of your goodwill and equity. I looked at the clock. It was 4:40 PM. So if I started now ... 10 mins to get ready ... 25 mins to walk to Nahur and get a ticket. Surely there will be a train at around 520, and I can reach in the next 30 mins. So 6 I can reach in any case at the latest. So I just picked up my phone, and started to compose an sms.

"What time does your party start".

"730 types .........dinner hai...."

Pat came her reply. Quick calculations ... 7:30 - 6 = 1.5 hours is what I've got if I can make it quick. But then again, was it worth making her take all the trouble and having her club back to back programs. She will get tired even before the party. So had to give it a second thought. And just then the door opened, and mother dearest entered. She was back from her singing lessons .. yeah she's an enthu I know, very good for her. I do like socializing, but have never been so good at it. You know, communication has never been my forte. I mean, I can chat up a random person, but to sustain the communication - nah, that art is beyond me. I think what would help here is a cours.... err... but i digress. Yet again.

Where was I ? Oh yes. Mom was back. Dad got up after his afternoon nap. And even before I could lay my proposal for the evening, I was booked.

"Apun ko abhi ye kaam karne ka hai" .. that's my mom when she wants me to do some work with her.

I blanked out. Maa kasam. Kya kaam aa raha hai. And I'm usually not one to say no .. you know I'm the achha bachha that everyone talks about in a family. Still thought, theek hai .. jo bhi ho, can finish it in the next 20 odd minutes and i'll still have an hour of meeting time. Sounds good that.

That was when it all broke loose. I was called in front of the computer. Dad was on the comp, and trying to do something .. don't know what. He asked me how do I type a letter in the computer.

This time I really blanked out. How do I answer this question? I mean, yes, I can say use MS Word to type. But if somebody asks such a question, almost surely doesn't know how to use Word. Now granted, it is no rocket science to use MS Word. But then leave it to my dad, to make lighting a matchstick a rocket science. I could easily anticipate the next 3 questions that would follow when I say "Use MS Word". And I also knew  equally well that there would be 3 more questions before the 3 that I anticipated. These came up

1. What can I do in Word
2. Where do I find Word
3. How do I start Word - single click or double click.

I gave some oral instructions on how to locate and start Word. All this while I had been thinking it would have been some small text/letter that he needed to type out. But when I saw what MS Word was about to get, I shrank back. There lay a bundle of pages - some 20 odd pages. And by the look of it, I'm sure they required some kind of formatting, paging, header, footer etc. Itihaas gawah hai - I am not the best when it comes to teaching parents to use the computer. Add to it if the student is my dad, then to fir ho gaya.

I started making some plans to excuse myself somehow. Some 20 odd mins later, my dad called out, and asked me how to save. Save was done. Barrage of questions followed on the Save feature. The Save As feature. The Auto-recovery feature. The Open feature. I don't think I've ever had so much trouble explaining the Save, Save As features. Like Ever. Hair would have been ripped out had I been alone. I did some estimations, and figured out that if this went on like this, then surely I'd lose my calm and peace. So, I volunteered to do the typing. 20 odd pages - that's fine. It shouldn't take long. I type fast.

Mistake. As if to prove me right, there was a loud crack and the weather became stormy and all set to rain. The weather became more and more beautiful, and I got engrossed more and more into the typing. Type - type - type - type - type. My whole estimation went haywire. What I had thought of finishing up in 20-30 mins, ended up taking 2 hours of my evening time. Here I was ... on a beautiful saturday evening ... one for which I could've killed to be with my beloved ... but was instead, sitting at home, typing away to glory. half hour became an hour, hour became two. And I finally finished. Yay ! at last. Little did I know, abhi to kaam aadha hi hua hai. Proof reading baki hai

Dad sat by my side and started reading out whatever I'd typed. Few mistakes here and there. Few sentences to be edited. Some grammatical mistakes - obviously not mine (I hate grammatical mistakes). Few sentences to be revised and redrafted. Couldn't leave in between. The one time in the whole of my lifetime with phone, that I didn't sit with my phone beside me. All in all, an hour and 30 mins more spent. Got up and it was 910. 3 hours 40 mins away from the phone. I didn't know what I felt. Was it anger? Was it frustration ? Was it hopelessness ? Or was it just plain simple sorrow for an evening lost.

I didn't know yet. Because I hadn't checked my phone yet. 10 missed calls. 4 unread messages. I guess I felt all of the above for the next half hour, including a lot of disappointment. It didn't help when I learnt that my beloved was not in a mood after all. And she's not one who is ever in 'not a mood'. Felt ever so responsible. 50 lashes ? 100 lashes ? There has to be some measure of punishment for letting people down. I haven't figured that out yet. And tomorrow morning doesn't look so bright either.

There are a lot of dark clouds hovering on the horizon right now. But I am the optimist. I choose to find the silver lining. The Evening today has been lost, and most likely the morning tomorrow. But I do hope to redeem the evening tomorrow, and maybe some more ...

I hope ...