The One with my bad clothes

It is not the universe's best kept secrets that I am not the best when it comes to clothes and dressing. In fact, I think all in my friends' circle will agree unanimously how it would do the world a whole lot good if I just put a little bit of effort in dressing up just a bit. So it is that these days I try to wear something that can at least pass off as nearly decent because I don't wish to embarrass my august companion. All the same I still love my "other" clothes and take them out for a walk every now and then. And that's why when I put on one of my those "other" tshirt this morning all hell broke loose. I mean it was okay till I was just wearing it. But upon just beginning to mention that I am going out and be back in some time, it happened. In fact, even before I could have said Robinson Crusoe, she struck.

Ze Missus : "Aise ja rahe ho ???" (You are going out just like this ???)

Now you'd ask, what's the big deal about this seemingly harmless innocent looking concerned question. Well, let me inform you, dear reader, Ze Missus is one who indulges in a lot of non-verbal communication. That's her style most of the times, and that was her style right now. In fact, I have my doubts that it was less of a question and more of a caustic remark. And I wasn't a minute late in picking that up. That one question seemed to be asking so many different things. And I can just mention a few here on what she could've really meant to convey.

Ze Missus : "What the hell, you got that rag out again?"

Ze Missus : "What the hell, you got that rag out again? And you also intend going out exhibiting it? I don't know about you, but I have some respect around here."

Ze Missus : "Don't you even dare to go out wearing that junk, or be prepared to face the consequences"

Ze Missus :  "You know, even the milkman, kachrawala and the dhobi dress better than these. Please donate this rag. No, that would be an insult to them. Please incinerate this at the earliest".

There were several more that her eyes and gestures seemed to ask, but I restrain myself from mentioning them here. As daredevil as I may be, I can only take so much risk at a time. And I have exhausted my quota of the day (and the next few as well I suppose). 

How, you ask ? 

Oh, I still went out wearing that "other" t-shirt. How did I manage to convince the Missus ? Well, that's another story for a rainy day.

The One with iTunes and iPod and Android

It so happened that I overheard this small piece of conversation. Names have been changed to protect the identities

Seema : Heyy.. Can you please check. I downloaded an app on the tablet but wo install nahi ho raha hai (I downloaded an app on the tablet, but it's not installing)

Pankaj : Hmm... try once again na ... Ho jayega

Seema : No yaar ... It's not installing, it's saying unable to open the file. Tried 2-3 times already

Pankaj : Okay ... Did you download it from the App store ?

Seema : No .. I downloaded it from the internet. It's available to be downloaded freely.

Pankaj : Which app did you download ?

Seema : Itunes ... I can then connect the ipod with the tablet and transfer the songs.

Pankaj : You .. what ?!

Seema : Haan ... iPod ke liye you need iTunes to transfer the songs, you didn't know kya

Pankaj : But did you intend to transfer the songs directly from the tablet to your iPod ?

Seema : Yes.

Pankaj : Using iTunes on the tablet ?

Seema : Yes baba.

Pankaj : Hmm ... And you downloaded 90.99 MB of iTunes. Wow. Nice. So ... how do you plan to connect the iPod to the tablet ?

Seema : Hain na .. I have the cable to transfer.

Pankaj : Oh Nice. And how will it 'connect' ?

Seema : It has the connector na. Ek min ... let me show.... Ohh .. this is a small connector socket.. the wire has a bada wala input... Ohh this won't connect ... hahahahahaha

Pankaj : ........ Are you sure ? Don't want to give it a try ?

Seema :  (still laughing)

Well that ends the conversation that I overheard. Nothing funny about it. People try to connect iPod to their Androids using iTunes. All the time. I still don't see why Seema had to keep laughing about it.

The Missus 101

As I stand at the cusp of an epoch making event, one that will be written in Golden letters in the books of history and be praised by scholars and historians all over the world, it is but necessary that I make a few observations about the subject of this epoch making event.

For the uninitiated lesser mortals like me, tomorrow I technically complete 3 months of remaining married. I am honestly surprised to see that I am still functional with all parts answering and performing their role as intended. Which means that the missus is being extremely adjusting and understanding and all other nice adjectives one can fish up in the latest version of the Oxford dictionary. Which essentially brings me to the topic of discussion here today. My dear reader, today we will be seeing some of the key personality traits which define the missus. Actually, coming to think of it, there might be so many that I could very well start a "Missus" Series here. But that's for a later day. I'll just start with a 101 here.

Missus the Gyaani

The missus loves to give gyaan. Not that she is aware of the fact usually. She is ... how do I put it ... sermonic ? The Sadhus at Kailash parbat would willingly offer her a seat for all her profound gyaans. The other day, I just casually asked her about a certain person she knows as to whether he should, in her opinion, go for an MS and PhD or rather pursue some job here. It would be an understatement to say that the next 30 mins were spent with her on a metaphorical pedestal, giving some ideal state gyaan. I wonder how come Philosophy was not a major study subject. But on second thoughts, I suppose she already knows a lot of Philo so it probably didn't make much academic sense to again pursue it. To top it all, I still don't have her opinion on that topic. But I know better than to ask for it again.

Missus the dancer

This is no hidden fact that the Missus is a very nice dancer. Across all forms - classical as well as non-classical (I hope the other form is indeed called non-classical. I am not the best person to write on dance, as my friends and well wishers would tell about me). That's awesome if you ask me. I am often witness to small, nice pieces of dances at home. That's not to say that the missus gives miniature performances at home. No sir, I didn't mean that. What I meant is, that the dance has been so deeply ingrained that it has become the natural reality (Kind of like Inception, where dream becomes the reality. Too much, I am going to be a scriptwriter now). She walks and it feels like a dance rhythm from some song. She gestures while talking and moves her hands, fingers and eyes like you would do at a Bharat Natyam recital. Well, between you and me, dear reader, truth be told I kind of stop listening at times when she does these kind of dances. It serves dual purpose - gives a visual delight while saving my auditory senses from the gyaan. But she knows that I am slow on the uptake and mostly repeats so that I understand (or till she feels I have understood).

Missus the super-listener

The word listener doesn't do justice to what the missus really does. It is like a super power she has. She just kind of attracts people towards her (No Asaram jokes please), and makes them want to pour out their hearts and lungs and kidneys to her. I simply don't know how she manages to do this. Take this case of my immediate neighbours. There are two ladies who have been staying together for the past 15 odd years. Within the first month the elder mallu lady had become a fan-girl of the missus and started sharing her most innermost secrets that probably the devil only would know. More recently, the other gujju lady has also followed suit. Given my position of advantage, I get privy to the information and I can tell you that they share some really personal stuff. Now, I don't mean to say that the super power is limited to only elder folks. It is on people across all age groups, gender, caste, race, species etc. What is it that you ask, dear reader? My Super power ? Aww..That's so nice of you to believe that I might have one. You will live for two more years for this question. My super power if I were to have any would definitely be - As Sheldon Cooper tells Leonard in The Big Bang Theory - "Brainwashing" given that I convinced the Missus to marry me.

More of the Missus' amazing personality traits to come up later. And till then you guys have a jolly good time. While I try and gather some goodwill with the missus for the 3 month thing.